The Bloody Chamber

I'm confused as to why she is so vulgar when describing their first sexual encounter together. She says that she trembles at his touch, yet she willingly marries him, even after her mother questions her repeatedly about him. The author switches back and forth calling her husband loving in one moment, when describing his display of lilly's in the bedroom, and then aggressive and scary in another. Later, on page 22 she writes, "I lay in bed alone. And I longed for him. And he disgusts me. This doesn't make any sense to me.